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Positivity

Book Review: The Self Compassion Diet by Jean Fain

                                                                                         As a counsellor that specialises in working with people experiencing body image, eating disorder and weight concerns, I am always on the look out for self care resources to recommend to my clients.  I believe that counselling with a professional can be enhanced immeasurably with extra reading, activities and exercises and after reading ‘The Self Compassion Diet’ by Jean Fain I’m pleased to have found something else to recommend.

I have never recommended someone follow a particular diet.  The reason why is simple.  It wouldn’t be ethical for me to do so because research tells us they unequivocally do not work in the long term, and in fact, for many people, are incredibly dangerous and can have significant negative impact on their mental and physical health.  Diets don’t work.  They just don’t, but unfortunately they continued to be aggressively marketed by weight loss companies and so called diet guru’s as the answer to anyone’s weight loss prayers.  None ever tell the full story, only the advertising and marketed one, and I would hope if you have been a reader of Beautiful You for some time now, you will know that such marketing and advertising does not have your best interests or the truth at it’s heart.  It’s all about profits and having you contribute to them.

I’m making an exception with The Self Compassion Diet however as it prescribes the steady cultivation and consumption of self compassion and self love rather than prescriptions of what you should and shouldn’t eat, why you have no willpower, how to measure food and how to punish yourself with deprivation.  Such is the basis of so many traditional diets, but The Self Compassion Diet instead shows its readers who may not be comfortable, happy or balanced in their relationship with food and their body, a different way.  As Jean says  

“Most dieters try to ‘kill cravings’ and break habits with self discipline but only self kindness can help quiet the shame that traditional diets instill and establish a harmonious relationship with food.” 

Jean’s approach to developing self compassion and love as a way to heal a negative relationship with food is soundly supported by a growing body of research which she details in the book.

The Self Compassion Diet is filled with positive and helpful ways to bring more self love and compassion into your life in direct relation to how you may be relating to food and doing things such as emotional and binge eating.  Like I do, Jean believes that kindness and emotional healing is the missing ingredient in all traditional diets – not discipline or will power.  She provides quizzes, exercises and examples on how to cultivate the four main areas she considers to be most powerful in addressing weight and diet issues which are self love, mindfulness (including mindful eating), self-hypnosis to develop more positive self talk and support.  All are focused, gentle and supportive, never blaming, over promising or quick fix in outlook.  I truly believe if everyone was to cultivate the type of self compassion and self love Jean recommends we would not have the epidemic of disordered eating in the Western world we currently do.  I think it highly likely we would all be much happier and more at peace with ourselves in a general sense, not just in how we relate to food and our bodies.

If I had one criticism of the book it would be it’s use of the words ‘thinspiration’ and ‘thinspired.’  They are directly related to eating disorders, in promoting it as a lifestyle choice rather than a devastating mental illness, as this definition clearly states.  Rather than talking about weight loss in terms of becoming thin or that being someone’s chief motivating factor in adressing concerns they may have with food, I think it much more fitting of the book to espouse that learning to love yourself, cultivate self compassion and learning to eat mindfully and peacefully is the ultimate destination in itself.  If that happens to come with weight loss and was something someone desired without harm to themselves – well and good. 

When we really learn to listen to and love our bodies however, it may actually come with weight gain, or no loss of weight at all, rather the much more important loss of self hate and loathing.  We all have a set weight where our body feels at it’s most comfortable, healthy and beautiful and I truly believe this is best achieved by practising care and love for ourselves the way The Self Compassion Diet promotes.  It does not however mean that this set weight will mean we will all be thin.  What it should mean instead is that we are happy, enjoying a balanced relationship with food and a loving relationship with our body – no matter what our size.

The Self Compassion Diet is a must read for anyone who is currently in a battle with food, their body or even themselves.  It is perfect for any long term dieter that has had their heart and will broken over and over again by empty diet promises that do nothing to promote the self love and compassion most desperately need to be happy and content with their body.  I will leave you with the lovely Jean Fain with her own words on The Self Compassion Diet which I hope becomes the best selling “diet” book of 2011!

Tagged as: Advertising, Balance, Binge Eating, Body Image, Book Review, Compassion, Counselling, Counsellor, Diet, Diets, Disordered Eating, Eating Disorders, Emotional Eating, Food, Happiness, Health, Jean Fain, Kindness, Lifestyle, Marketing, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Mindful Eating, Mindfulness, Peace, Positivity, Self Compassion Diet, Self Hate, Self Love, Self Talk, Support, Thinspiration, Weight, Weight Loss, Weight Loss Companies

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Self Love Lessons

I have been so inspired by the recent entries in my Sacred Self giveaway that I wanted to share them with you all.  I asked Beautiful You readers to leave me a comment with their best self love tip and this is an edited selection of what was shared.  I think they are amazing and I hope you enjoy reading being inspired by these amazing words.

“One thing that has helped me to learn to love myself is acknowledging the feelings I have. I used to stuff my feelings down, but now I talk to those feelings and tell them that I care. I care about the hurt I am feeling and I care about the pain those feelings cause. Just doing this simple act can release tension in my shoulders and soften the view I have of myself. I feel lighter and more compassionate after I have these little “talks” with myself. I’m still learning, but it’s been great!” 
“I still struggle with this, but I make a continual effort and love myself a little bit more every day. I do this by making time for me, doing activities that keep me in tune with my feelings, thoughts and body. This includes yoga, listening to music and reading Michael Brown’s “The Presence Process.”

“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are — no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.”


“My tip is kindness first and mostly to yourself: honour, nurture and celebrate yourself. We are taught to think of others first, and putting ourselves first is selfish. I believe if we are kind and loving to ourselves, we are then kinder to others. When we love ourselves completely, we love more openly and generously with no expectation from others. Ironically we are loved more as we ask nothing from others.”


“I find that I often portray feelings onto other people close to me, and then begin to resent what they are feeling. How silly is that! Being aware that I do this and correcting it as soon as I notice really helps. I force myself to think more positive thoughts about myself and in return others have a more positive reaction to me. So self love flows outwards!”

“One thing I have learned is that you need your journey (both good and bad) to make you who you are. No regrets, no shame only lessons.  Your biggest ‘failure or stuff-up’ is quite often your biggest thing to be thankful for- eventually.  Celebrate and shout your story, its yours and look for the silver ling to the dark cloud, there always is one.”
“Self love is something I’ve been working on… for quite some time. My intellect understands it, but parts of me deeper down still need to really “get” it.  That said, I’ve always loved the airplane oxygen mask metaphor – you know, the one that refers back to airplane safety videos where they always tell you to “fit your own mask before helping others to fit theirs”. That makes a lot of sense to my logical brain – not just for oxygen masks, but for any kind of internal resources too.”  
“My best tip: Focus on your achievements rather than your failures. If you do find yourself thinking about how you failed then look at what you managed to do right and how you could correct what you did next time.”
“Do not be too competitive or compare yourself with others. Be yourself and accept that life is not a race against others but your self confidence depends on you and your personal needs.”
“Allow other people to see the real you, and when you see how fab they think you are then you will also realise that you really are a great person and you will love yourself for you and the people who don’t think you are fab are not worth having around!”

Tagged as: Comparisons, Compassion, Feelings, Giveaways, Kindness, Positivity, Real Beauty, Self Love

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Giving Up Gossip

As you all know, I’m participating in and sharing with you, all that I am learning from the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse as a Self Love Ambassador.  The first of six weeks of Inner Mean Girl Reform School has me giving up gossip and inspiring you to do the same.

I’m sure that most of us would like to say, or think, that we don’t gossip.  It seems like such a terrible, wasteful and mean thing to do.  I would hazard a reasonable guess though that most of us do gossip, or at least have gossiped at some point in time in our life.  I’ll be the first to put up my hand and say I have.

When I used to think of gossip, I equated it with the bitchy, mean girl type of talk that involves the spreading of rumours that could dramatically hurt someone’s feelings.  It is that of course, and can do untold damage, but I think gossip is actually much more pervasive than that in it’s ‘everydayness.’  Gossip is when we talk about our sister’s new boyfriend in less than glowing terms.  When we speculate how long our girlfriend’s new relationship will last.  When we give up our negative opinion to others on the house our friends just bought.  Gossip doesn’t have to be overtly malicious.  It’s often made up of throw away comments, seemingly harmless talk and secretly shared tidbits.

Some people mistakenly may think that while gossip is not a nice thing for the person being gossiped about, it doesn’t really have a great deal to do with the person actually doing the gossiping.  Not so.  If anything, gossip says more about the person gossiping than it does anyone else.  It means someone is using words in a negative and draining way and I truly believe prompting the great likelihood that they will think it acceptable to think and talk about themselves in a negative way too.  Welcome to an Inner Mean Girls dream scenario!

So…how do you think you could go giving up gossip and negative talk about others (and even negative talk at all!) for at least 7 days?  Sound like a positive thing to do for yourself and others?  You bet it does.  Here are some tips on making it happen.

The best antidote to gossip is to only talk about others how you would like them to talk about you.  “Do unto others” – that wonderful old standby.  It really never goes out of vogue.
Stop.  Take a breath.  Think.  When we think consciously about the motivations behind what we say it improves our chances of only saying things that are positive and meaningful.
We all want to feel wonderful about ourselves and Beautiful You is all about that.  We are the main driver in our own life for making that happen, but we should never underestimate our personal power in making it happen for someone else too.  Be someone who lifts others up – encourages them, talks positively to and about them and wants the best for them always.  This is such a strong antidote for gossip as no person who wants this genuinely for another, would gossip about them.
Be mindful of celebrity gossip too!  All those magazines and tabloids out there that are printing stories filled with rumours, innuendo, maybe’s, he said and she said fodder, are not adding anything to the world.  Only detracting.  If you read these magazines and are buying in to celebrity gossip – is there maybe another type of magazine you could consider?  Something that is positive, uplifting and filled with content that adds meaning to your life?  They do exist!
You can do it Beautiful You!  I know because you are here and reading this blog that being the best person you can be, is something that interests you.  There are of course a myriad of ways to go about that and giving up gossip and talking to and about others from a place of genuine love is just one of them.  It may just be one of the most important things you do for others and yourself.  Our Inner Mean Girl’s that talk negatively inside our head, trying to drag us down all the time, to my mind, are gossip personified.  They are that voice coming out of us talking about others, in a way that is not meaningful and therefore giving their internal voice to us that same message – you are not meaningful enough either.
Well…that voice is wrong Beautiful You.  You are a wise, wonderful and giving person who doesn’t need gossip – and you certainly don’t need an Inner Mean Girl.  Challenge yourself to give up gossip for the next 7 days.  Set yourself a goal.  Make a conscious decision and see what positive changes it brings to your life.  Love to know how you are travelling over the week so please do share in a comment about your gossip free travels. 
Week one class dismissed!

Tagged as: Celebrities, Communication, Feelings, Gossip, Inner Mean Girl, Magazines, Mindfulness, Positivity, Rumours, Self Love

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A Year In The Cover Life of Ricki-Lee

Less than a year ago singer Ricki-Lee Coulter found herself decidedly ‘over’ criticism she was receiving for her curvaceous, size 14 figure.  She stood up for herself and proudly claimed to Who Magazine – “I’m proud of the size I am!” and that she could not be happier with her body.  Even prior to this Ricki-Lee had always spoken very confidently of her body and that she felt no need to change herself to fit the usually thinner body ‘ideal’ found in the music and celebrity spheres.  I was a fan of hers for her saying so.
Six months later at the beginning of this year, Ricki-Lee again displayed her body confidence in a swim suit spread for Woman’s Day Magazine stating she was “not afraid to show her curves to the world”.  Even though I questioned if the photographs of her were competely natural, I thought she looked amazing and that there was merit in what Woman’s Day said, which was that Ricki-Lee’s “decision to skip the airbrush shows her willingness to embrace her body in the competitive showbiz world, which is largely dominated by size 10 or smaller.”  What’s not to love about that?

It is now not even a year since Ricki-Lee appeared in that original story in Who proclaiming her proud and confident feelings for her body shape and size, and she is again a cover girl with her body a hot topic.  This time though, things are different.  Very different.  As can be seen by the cover below.   

I have a confession to make.  When I first saw the magazine cover staring at me from the supermarket shelf – I was shocked and gutted.  My instinct was to feel angry at Ricki-Lee, thinking she had somehow personally betrayed me and others for recently claiming she was happy with her body, then mere months later losing more than 15 kilo’s to state “The goal is to feel as good as I do now. If I can feel better than this, then oh my god, give it to me!”  I then pulled myself into line remembering that only a few months ago I had blogged about Sophie Dahl and the negative backlash she had received for her own weight loss and how it is anyone’s right to do with their body as they please in order to have loving and positive feelings towards it. 
I have now also reminded myself that this cover and Ricki-Lee’s weight loss is a reminder that all we have at any given time is the present moment when it comes to loving ourselves.  Even though someone may, for whatever reason, want to change something about themselves, it does no good to hate themselves at the time when that change is still not a reality.  Maybe Ricki-Lee did love her body 12 months ago and 6 months ago – and still loves it now even though it is a different size and shape.  Could we ever really expect anything more of ourselves than to just love ourselves in the present moment – even if we are not exactly where we may like to be?
Where we ‘want’ to be may never become a reality, or even when it does, not ever bring the happiness or loving feelings we think it will.  This is incredibly common when it comes to weight loss.  So many people believe that if they were just thinner they would be happier, sexier, and all round live a better and more amazing life.  So many people lose weight to find out that none of these things become a reality for them.  Why?  Because having great body image and body confidence is something that can only ever come from within.  No exceptions.  Hence why we have people who are all shapes and sizes other than the culturally accepted thin who have very loving and happy feelings towards their body - which is just as it should be.
All I hope and want for Ricki-Lee, (and you all), is for her to be truly, deeply happy with herself.  She is a very talented young woman, just 24 years of age, with her whole life ahead of her.  I only hope that even though in my eyes she never needed to change one thing about herself, she has chosen to do so for reasons that came from a loving, strong and confident space.  I hope it has not been the result of media creep she has been feeling to lose weight or change herself. 
I also hope that if she truly means what she says about her actual weight not being important to her, that if she gives interviews about her personal appearance in the future she chooses not to reveal what she weighs, doesn’t weigh, or has lost or gained.  If she doesn’t and chooses to engage in weight loss talk, you can be sure the magazine will immediately lock on to just that, as WHO have done here.  It’s their bread and butter – stories that scream weight loss (cue praise), or weight gain (cue shame), and it will continue while high profile people and indeed us all, think that our health and positive body image is entirely dependant on the number on the scale.  

Tagged as: Airbrushing, Body Image, Celebrities, Confidence, Diversity, Happiness, Media, Photoshop, Positivity, Ricki-Lee Coulter, Self Love, Sexiness, Sophie Dahl, Thin Ideal, Weight, Weight Loss, WHO Magazine, Woman's Day Magazine

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