Self Esteem and Social Media
I spend quite a bit of my time in front of my laptop. I have to remind myself to disconnect beyond time spent seeing clients and being in meetings. It’s all about balance and just having time to completely disconnect, unplug and switch off. I do love it though, as it allows me to connect with many beautiful and wonderful people that I never would have had the chance to know or meet in face to face circumstances.
When you have a Facebook page, Twitter account, write a blog, or send out an e-newsletter you are connected to people in a very unique way. Some people you may know in real life and see in person regularly. Others you may never have met or even know their full name. For these vastly differing reasons you may feel very connected and even love someone you engage with online, or in fact know nothing about them except to be grateful they like what you do. While it is wonderful to have such connections and they can be used for the most amazing support, inspiration, and help, I also am aware of the undue distress they can cause when expectations regarding the role social media and our online world plays in our lives are not kept in check.
Like everything we do in life there has to be balance and perspective as to the real meaning of things and how they may either add or subtract to the life we want to live. This is particularly the case if we are starting to feel our self esteem or worth is connected to things such as the number of Facebook friends or likers we have, the number of comments on our blog, or newsletter subscribers we have.
I have been inspired to write this post today because of the number of conversations I have been having with both people I know personally and both counselling and coaching clients as well. Many of them have spoken about their hopes and dreams for a blog they write, or how they are trying to build a business through a Facebook page or Twitter account – both of which are wonderful ways to engage with readers and potential customers. They have also spoken with some angst as at how they want more followers, or are worried when someone unfriends them or does things such as unsubscribe from a newsletter. Considering the very large role that social media and the online world plays in our lives now I wanted to share some tips with you that will hopefully give you some perspective and balanced thoughts about this topic and help keep your self esteem intact!
- The number of friends you have on Facebook is not an indicator in any way of what sort of friend you are. More friends does equate to you being a better friend – k? Nor does it mean that anyone else who has more friends than you do is a better friend or, heavens forbid, a better person than you. This also goes the same for the number of followers you have for a personal Twitter account. When it all boils down to it, if you can count on one hand a few people you can call upon in the middle of the night, who you know love and support you and can make you laugh when you want to cry; your life is rich in the friends department. Truly.
- If you run a Facebook page for your blog or business and have a Twitter account for this purpose as well, I know it’s wonderful for these things to reach as many people as possible. Ultimately though if you are selling a gorgeous ebook, service, or your own fabulous brand of spaghetti sauce, it is not the number of likers and followers you have that really matters – it’s actually the number of meaningful connections you create with people that then translate into business for you. This can happen with as little as ten, fifty or hundred people.
- Something you may not be aware of is that there are many people who PAY for people to get others to like their page or follow them and even leave comments on their blog. In many instances this could be seen to be scarily close to being spam worthy. These are not meaningful online connections and are not people who have come to you because they genuinely believe in what you have to say. Just a thought to keep in mind if you feel the need to compare your number of likers, comments or followers to someone else. You just never know how that page might have gotten all those likes or if they are engaging with people in a way that is bringing meaning to their lives.
- I truly believe when it comes to blog comments and the popularity of certain posts it’s a somewhat random world. Posts I have put an enormous amount of time into and thought would have been well commented on have, put frankly, not been. Others that may have come to me very spontaneously and took little time to whip up, have been incredibly popular. I think this is testament to the fact that the most wonderful thing you can do for your blog and readers is concentrate on writing great content from your heart. It doesn’t matter if it elicits few likes or comments, or even none at all. None of these things are a sign of the quality of what you have written.
- If you are ever read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz you will know about the danger of making assumptions in life. I think this is particularly important when wondering things such as why someone may have unfriended you, stopped liking your page or even unsubscribed from your newsletter. This could be due to something you do know if you know them well, but if you don’t know them, please don’t become anxious, upset or waste precious time wondering why this may have happened or that there is something wrong with you or what you are doing for this to have occured. They might have changed email accounts. Done it accidently. Be overwhelmed with their news feed. Simply need to disconnect for awhile. Let them go and give your time and energy to those people who are connected to you.
- Just because someone doesn’t leave a comment on a blog post or you write a post that receives few or no comments does not mean it has not potentially had an incredible impact on a number of people. We can never truly know how what we write or say online touches someone’s life. Even though a reader may never leave a comment, tick a like box or retweet what we say on Twitter, our words or even a link we send out may have immeasurably touched them. They may have related very personally to something you said or gained inspiration from tips you have given them. While happy to read your work they might by shy in contributing their own words, thoughts or feelings in a comment, or simply not want to be identified for any number of reasons.
- Don’t equate your value or the value of your blog, community or business in any way to anything that can have a number value such as hits, comments, likes etc. I know as a fellow blogger it’s gorgeous to have these things but I’m not attached to them and I encourage you to be the same. If checking your analytics a lot, why not pull back a little and think about doing it once a month or even once a week. Checking it a number of times a day as I know some people do will likely do your head in and your worth more than that! Much more.
Social media and the online world plays a large role in my life and if you are still reading this post I’m guessing it plays a role in yours too. I have seen so many amazing connections happen through portals such as Twitter and supportive blog comments, to the point where I have actually recommend clients ‘get on board’ and connect with like minded people to reduce isolation they may have been feeling and reach out to others who can understand what they are going through. It’s amazing and inspiring to see someone reach out for help and receive it in this way and for that reason alone I will always be a fan.
Understanding though that the number of people we connect with online or who follow and support what we do, is in no way an indicator of the sort of person we are and what we bring to the world, is so important. So keep blogging, keep tweeting and keep connecting with people if you have a Facebook page or newsletter. Even if you are just connecting with one person, just one, who loves what you do then you are making a difference not only to that person but indeed to the wider world. Now that’s something to feel great about.
AWESOME POST! I love how you have addressed this issue. I know a lot of women get depressed about this and go crazy trying to do more and be more. Great reminder for us all. Thank you so much for taking the time to put this together. N x
You’re welcome Naomi. Social media and our presence online should not be something that causes people to get depressed and crazy!
Thankyou Julie, this is brilliant and could not have come at a better time!
I was actually discussing this topic in a roundabout way last night, as I’m in the process of putting together a blog myself and as is natural, having a few moments of self doubt. Between the wise words of a good friend(who incidentally I’ve never met in person!) and this post, you’ve restored the balanced perspective that I usually manage to hold.
I particularly agree with your points on the connections that can be made online. Some of my closest friends are far, far away, yet we are more connected than people who live 5 minutes away. What I always remind people is that the Internet is merely a medium of communication, and the value is in the content of what’s communicated – not the medium through which it’s communicated.
x
I’m so glad this post has come to you at the right time Sarah. It’s great you are setting up a blog and I wish you all the best with that. It is absolutely possible to have very meaningful connections with people you have never met in real life and only connected with online. I know it has happened to me and many others too. I hope your blog is a great success and brings you much joy.
I could never have predicted a year ago what a powerful force the internet would be in supporting my ED recovery and helping me to maintain my motivation for change.
And I love it if I know even one person has read my posts – as this means I may have given someone a different way of looking at their problem and hopefully reinforced to them that they are not alone. Ultimately I write my blog for me, and for my husband (as it helps me to explain to both of us what I am thinking) – rather than for the comments. Having said that however, sometimes the encouragement I do get in return from other ED sufferers is so wonderful as it reassures me that what I am feeling is not shocking or appalling in any way, and that others have similar experiences.
But I know from posts I have written elsewhere that usually the easiests posts to draw a lot of comments on are those that do not make you think, or pose an opinion, or encourage debate. Some of the posts I have written elsewhere that I am most proud of are the ones that statistically bombed – there’s often no rhyme or reason to it – more likely to do with what other people had on that day than the quality of the post
It’s so great PJ that the online world has been an ally in your recovery. I know when battling to recover that all the help we can get from anywhere we can get it is welcome. It’s wonderful that you write/blog and having read a number of things you have written I know for sure that what you are creating and sending out there to the world will be supporting and assisting an immeasurable number of people.
This is a really important post, Julie. I especially love your emphasis on meaningful connections rather than the straightforward number. It’s so easy to get caught up in the numbers – just like with dieting, in my case – but when we step back and think things through more rationally, we realize that at the end of the day, that’s not what matters.
Thanks Katie. It’s been rattling around in my head for awhile to write this post and now I’m really glad I did as it seems to have been a needed one. You are so right about dieting and the numbers!
Well thought out, and important to say – thanks for this post. It helps one to gain perspective on a sometimes overwhelming media world, and we can’t have enough of that.
Thanks Marsha – that was exactly what I was aiming for.
I agree with you – very well said!
Seems like many people feel the same way Just Me. So glad it resonated with you.
Brava!! As someone who’s been using the internet “socially” since 1994 I’ve seen these same issues come up over and over again, in different forms and for different reasons, as the internet itself has evolved. In some ways the issues mirror “real life” situations and insecurities, but in other ways they are very different. I mean, how could any of us devote as much attention to our “real life” friends as we sometimes devote to our online friends? As well, the internet fosters a sense of intimacy that is different from the intimacy we have when face-to-face. So it’s not surprising that we’re navigating a whole new set of feelings and rules.
Oh, and The Four Agreements has been part of my life for a very long time…I keep the basics of each one on my bulletin board!
Nice to connect with another Four Agreements fan Karen. It’s absolutely up there as one of my favourite self help books.
Perfect timing. Sometimes I feel down about my blog based on the amount of comments. I see other blogs that get 200+ comments when all they wrote about was the oatmeal they had for breakfast??? Um…??? And so it can be really discouraging when you pour your heart out and all you hear are crickets!
Keep at it Lisa! 200 comments on oatmeal? Wow. I’ve never had 200 comments on ANY post I’ve written and I would like to think some of the topics are a little deeper than breakfast menu! Just goes to show that the number of comments really aren’t that important, even though of course they are always nice to receive. As long as you enjoy blogging just keep going. You are undoubtedly reaching and touching more people than you think.
Julie
what a wonderful topic to post on!
I just came home from a family weekend, where I had no cell phone service and no internet connection, and it was such a relief to let go of the constant need to keep checking up, checking in, counting, wondering, worrying! Social media truly can be a cause of anxiety, but I had never even considered that it could be a trigger for self-esteem issues *brilliant*
Something that your readers might also consider is what my darling mom (in her 70′s) told me:
“I read everything you write, but I just don’t know how to leave a comment”
(or follow or anything else that might indicate she had stopped by). So in truth, even those who read and love your blog (or Facebook page or whatever) just might miss the “follow” buttons!
Thanks for sharing that about your Mum Elizabeth – gorgeous and so right!
Thank you Julie – This is so wonderfully encouraging. May I link it to a post of mine please. I speak of the ‘dangers’ for kids and teens often, but often emphasize that I am in NO way against technology or facebook. Your post hits the nail on the head for adults beautifully.
Thanks you!! Have just shared this too!
Hi Collett – By all means. Please link and thank you for sharing too.
Your post is on point. Also, people need to have a strong self awareness. In the blogsphere, some bloggers will try to convince you that the sky is purple. Anway, thanks for mentioning that book by Don Miguel; I am going to read it.
I am sure you will enjoy ‘The Four Agreements Hidi – I know I did and in fact it rates as one of my top books of all time.
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