“I’m fat.”
“No you’re not. You look great. I’m fat.”
“No way. You’re not fat. I’m the one who’s fat.”
Welcome to ‘Fat Talk’ playing at a Mothers group, school yard or workplace near you. Seems pretty harmless yes? No.
Fat Talk, or people putting themselves down about their weight & appearance, has been around for a long time. It is of course deeply intertwined with issues of self, acceptance & body image & it shouldn’t come as a surprise to many that it is a particular past time of girls & women.
A 2007 study found that – “Because women feel pressured to follow the fat talk norm, they are more likely to engage in fat talk with other females, hence, women normalize their own body dissatisfaction with one another.”
Why would women do this? What possible good could come from someone publicly announcing that they are, or feel, ‘fat’ or unhappy with themselves? Of course no-one can really know the answer to this other than the person themselves, but research has found that – “Women are perceived as OK if they fat talk and acknowledge that their bodies are not perfect” & that supposedly we tend to dislike arrogance, especially in women.
Wow! Since when did it become arrogant behaviour to say only positive, uplifting & encouraging things about one’s body? Is it acceptable to be ok about our life achievements as a contributor to society, a partner, a creator, a gardener a “whatever”, but not ok to be accepting enough of our bodies that we don’t engage in fat talk? I find this a very scary indictment upon our culture that this behaviour is not only deemed acceptable by some, but even warranted or understood because – after all – we’re just women. We should feel terrible about ourselves. It’s ok to express hatred of our bodies. It’s bonding to fat talk together. No. No. And No.
I think it’s time that ALL women thought about how they can end insidious fat talk. I’ll leave you with a few tips as to some of the positive ways that I think fat talk can be eradicated. Please share your own with me & others by commenting & sharing.
There is nothing that can ever be gained from putting yourself down, either silently within your thoughts, or externally in front of others. Please don’t.
If you think that making a disparaging comment about yourself after someone in your presence has done the same will make them feel better – it won’t. All you are doing is reinforcing that negative talk about our bodies is acceptable for any person & have tried to deflect negativity from them on to you. It just ends up being doubly negative.
If you find yourself feeling consumed with negative feelings about your appearance when in the company of others (including other women), please know that this is not ok & that freedom from these thoughts can be attained. Seek the help of a supportive counsellor as soon as you can.
Before saying anything disparaging about yourself in the company of others – slow down. Ask yourself – why am I saying this? How will this contribute positively to the conversation? How will this contribute positively to me? It won’t? Please don’t say it.
Learn to accept graciously given compliments about yourself (including potentially those about your appearance) & never deflect them back to the giver with a negative response. Someone has taken the time to throw some sunshine your way & they want you to have that positivity. Take it with a smile & a thank you.
Recognise consistently with every breath you take, every day you live, that you are worthy & beautiful as you are. Fat talk will do nothing but detract from this which is a travesty for you & those around you. Be still & gracious in who you are.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
What beautiful thoughts. Thank you for reminding me that fat talk is just so unnecessary.
Yay! No more having to play 'my thighs are bigger than yours!'. What a wonderful world it would be – for our friends, ourselves and most importantly, our children.
Thanks Julesy for your sensitive and lovely words. A great way to start the day.
I have always felt REALLY uncomfortable whenever a friend of mine declares that she is 'too fat'.
I feel outraged on her behalf that anyone would say that about her – even if it is herself saying it!! Sure, she's not skinny, but she's beautiful.
But I have never told her this. I think next time I will. Thank you Julie.
"I'm so fat" is a way of saying "I feel insecure". "No you're not" is a way of reassuring each other. It would be so wonderful if we could just say what we mean, instead of going around and around in this endless loop of insecurity/reassurance about our bodies. great post Julie!